


You Could Love Me If I Knew How To Lie (BRENDON URIE)

by RockWithItWriting



Category: Panic! at the Disco, brendon urie - Fandom
Genre: Brendon Urie - Freeform, Other, Panic! at the Disco - Freeform, reader - Freeform, you - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 23:25:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7457782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RockWithItWriting/pseuds/RockWithItWriting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Word count: 2569</p><p>Requested: No</p><p>I was taking a math test and listening to Panic! At the Disco when She’s Got the World came on and well, I had to write this!</p><p>Warnings: Sadness, cursing, friends with benefits, rejection, also it’s pretty sad</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Could Love Me If I Knew How To Lie (BRENDON URIE)

There were things that made you unique, that were sought after by others either driven by lust or envy. Lovers flocked to you, but you didn’t want any of them. You only wanted one and the one you loved did not love you. **  
**

Some people said you were their world, you held it in a tight grip but you knew it wasn’t true. If you held the world, hell, even the stars, you would be holding his hand when you walked through town, in his arms when you tried to sleep.

The so called power you had never made you happy. You didn’t care that the expensive dinners were every weekend and you never had to pay, you didn’t care that people bought you gifts and called you wonderful things. It didn’t make you happy, nor did it satisfy the cravings you tried to keep down.

* * *

Brendon Urie was… A force to be reckoned with. He was everything and nothing, and when he wrapped his arms around you and pressed his lips to yours it was like you were winning the moon, sun and stars from a claw machine at the carnival. You were floating when he was with you, crashing when he went back home to his empty bed, leaving yours cold and stale.

Sometimes he would stay the night, arms wrapped around you and making your spirit soar, but then Brendon would be gone in the morning. Your house would be cold like the sadness in your stomach, the bruises on your neck fresh and throbbing. He was a man of many talents, but loving you was not one of them.

He could play you like his instruments, whispering your name like he played the guitar. You knew this of course, when you went to sleep in an empty bed surrounded by his scent that was leftover.

Brendon didn’t know what he was doing to you- or maybe he did. He invited you on tour, he was your best-friend and- was that all he thought he was to you? Surely not. Brendon knew that you were head over heals in love with him but he didn’t care. You figured it was because he was always talking about how, one day, he was sure he was going to find the one he was going to marry. It didn’t matter if you were in the room or if it was ten minutes after you two had fucked, he would talk about this person like he already knew who they were, even when you had to excuse yourself to mask your tears in a bathroom break.

Brendon Urie would never be yours, and you knew it.

* * *

Brendon had once told you about a girl he knew in highschool, “I loved her,” He confessed to you, one night when the moon was the only witness to your naked bodies wrapped together under the blankets, “I loved her with everything I had. When I looked into her eyes… It was like the ocean was swirling within them, like waves were crashing around in her thoughts. That’s how I know when I love someone,” He looked down at you, “It depends on what I see in their eyes. It’s always been like that.”

You knew what he meant because in his eyes you saw the future, a life in his arms and catching his laugh on your lips while he whispered your name in a tone he reserved for lovers. You saw the way his arms felt around you in the night when the pillow talk led you to believe that, if Brendon tried hard enough, he could love you in the way you loved him.

“What do you see in my eyes?” You asked, heart pounding. What would he say? Brendon chuckled under his breath and shifted, drawing you closer and kissing your neck.

“I see the sky,” He mused. You decided not to ask him what that meant. There was no lengthy description like with the girl of his high school, his first love and could the sky really compare to the ocean?

* * *

“Brendon, I don’t think we should do this anymore,” You said one night, breathless, with his fingers still tracing your hips and his lips still looking for yours, “I can’t do this anymore.” Brendon, surprised by the resolve in your voice, pushed himself up on his elbow and looked down at you.

“What do you mean?” He asked. You sighed and felt yourself start to shake with anxiety.

“I can’t do this anymore,” You repeated, “I need stability and this doesn’t offer it. I need somebody to love me, and you don’t.” Brendon coughed and shifted away from you.

“That’s not my fault,” He sounded uncomfortable, but you didn’t care. You needed to get the feelings that were clouding up your chest off of it.

“It sure as hell isn’t mine,” You said, “Is something wrong with me? Is that why I’m good for screwing but not for loving?”

“No, of course not,” Brendon was quick to say, avoiding your eyes, “It’s not you,”

“It’s me,” You mocked, sitting up and putting your back against the headboard. Brendon sighed.

“I’m not a good liar, but if I was maybe I could make you feel better.” Brendon mimicked your position, the cool hardwood of the bedframe against your backs.

“I don’t want you to lie to me, I just want you to tell me if you could ever love me or if you’re just using me to pass your time until you find a girl who has ocean eyes.”

Brendon took your hand in his and said, “It’s not even that, really,” He sighed and the atmosphere in the room took a nosedive, “I’m never going to find the girl with ocean eyes. Nobody can love me. You’ve got the whole world at your feet, people literally bending over backwards to be with you or even see you like I’m seeing you right now. You could silence the stars if you closed your hands tight enough because you’ve got stars on the ends of your fingers. And what do I have? A nice voice, a hot body, a band that is really only me? I’m going out of my mind looking for the girl with ocean eyes.”

You stared at the side of his face and he avoided your eyes. Brendon had never told you something so personal, so close to him.

“Brendon, I love you,” You whispered, “I know I’m not what you’re looking for, but I’m here.”

“It’s like I’m a damn fisherman or something,” Brendon continued, like he didn’t even hear you, “Like the boy on the moon in the begining of those movies, always fishing for something that I don’t know. I’m looking for someone that I don’t know, and it’s basically a dream that I’m fishing for.”

It was a punch in the stomach and a sedative because you rolled over and went to sleep not long after that, ;leaving Brendon to escape the bed of lies and dress himself. Your front door handle was the coldest thing he had touched that night, besides your body.

* * *

It was hard to move on, but you did. Eventually you did decide to go on tour with Brendon and his friends, Twenty One Pilots. Some time with him, but not with him, would do you good.

You arrived at the bus in the early morning hours, lugging your bags with tired eyes. Brendon gave you a hug when you arrived, eyes lingering on yours for a moment too long before directing you to your bunk. The two bands were going to share one bus, and their crews were going to share the other, so by the time you climbed into your bunk and closed your eyes Tyler and Josh were stepping onto the bus and greeting Brendon.

You slept like a rock, only waking up when you heard your name being spoken by Brendon in a hushed tone. He was talking about you to someone and they were close by, so you held your breath and didn’t move a muscle.

“And, man, I’ve never seen someone have so much love for someone else. I made a mistake by leaving, Josh, and I’ll always regret that. I can only imagine how much love there would be in a relationship.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“You need someone to love you, too, Josh.” Brendon said, “If you two can love each other the only person that loses is me.” You turned over as your head began spinning. Brendon loved you, and he was trying to set you up with Josh Dun. You were already gone, moved on from the man who held you at night and forgot in the day. You were healed, but yet still sad, and working past the feelings you had harbored for so long.

How dare he return the feelings when he talked about eyes with oceans in them? How dare he compare the sky to the ocean? He laid in your bed and spoke of waves crashing into his heart from her eyes- what ever happened to that?

You swung your legs over the side of the bunk and jumped down, veins pumping with anger and resentment, your hurt transforming into something more lethal. Brendon and Josh looked up as you entered the back room, where they were laid out on the sofa with video game controllers in their hand.

“How dare you, Brendon Urie,” You said through tears and gritted teeth, “How dare you love me now. How dare you tell Josh that he is better for me than the man I loved for years. How dare you love me after I’ve moved on and stopped loving you!” You screamed. Your clenched fists were shaking at your sides and the tears ran down your face, “You were my carnival claw prize and it was like I was picking the sun out of the drop-box and holding it in my arms everytime I kissed you. How dare you rob me of being able to kiss you in the daylight, how dare you rob me of a relationship that could have been my world! Our world! If you would have loved me when I loved you were could have been fucking happy! You ruined me, Brendon Urie!”

You turned, throat raw, and stomped away but before you could make it off of the bus, you could hear Brendon, “I didn’t ruin you!” And you swore his voice carried out the window when you stepped off the bus, “But now you’re more interested.”

You didn’t know what that meant, and you didn’t care. The only thing you cared about was getting into the convenience store at the truck stop you were parked at, buying something and returning to your bunk. Truth be told, you were more interested in Josh after hearing Brendon speak, but it was purely out of spite. You wanted Josh to make Brendon hurt the same way you hurt when he had you and you didn’t have him.

But Josh didn’t deserve that.

Brendon wanted the ocean, he wanted the sky. Hell, he probably wanted the flora and the fauna, too. He was the boy on the moon, fishing for an impossible dream of a person who had everything he wanted and nothing he didn’t. He was greedy and selfish, getting a wakeup call when he lost what he didn’t know he wanted.

You stood in front of the chips in the aisle, willing the tears to go away. You had cried over Brendon Urie enough, and you needed it to stop. It was toxic to think about him in that way again. The door chimed and you held your breath, willing it to be someone besides Josh or Brendon.

“Please,” Brendon said when he found you, “Hear me out.” You barely turned your head to look at him but nodded for him to continue, “I used to think I wanted to ocean, but I don’t. There’s a sky in your eyes and I used to think it was plain, but that’s because I wasn’t looking hard enough. I wasn’t seeing the sunshine, the clouds, the rainstorms and the rainbows. I was only seeing the sky and nothing that went with it.”

“So what?” You said, harshly, “You toyed with me for how many months? And you think you can walk in here, make some bullshit up about the sky and clouds and fucking rainbows and expect me to fall back in your arms and let you love me how you think I want to be loved?” He didn’t reply, “Life isn’t a fanfiction, Brendon, when I told you we were done fucking, I meant it. When I agreed to come on this tour and told you that I had moved on from you, I meant it. Apologies don’t make me forget how you treated me when I loved you and they sure as hell don’t make me feel bad when I’m not treating you half as shitty as you treated me. You were right, Brendon, I do have people breaking their backs to be with me and I need to give some of them a try because it’s not fair to them that I spent so much time and energy on someone who didn’t love me back!”

“I never meant to hurt you,” Brendon said, “I didn’t really understand how much you loved me,” Guilt laced his voice like the tears laced his eyes as Brendon stepped toward you and laid a hand on your arm. You sighed and shook your head.

“I never really do believe you when you lie, you know that? Maybe if I did we could have had something, if you told me you love me with your fingers crossed. I was something you used to make time go faster and I understand that. I let you use me to pass time, Brendon. Do you really think if I wasn’t okay with that, that I would have let you? I want to love you, and I still do, but not in the way I used to. You’re my friend, one of my best actually, and I love you like that. But I’ve finally healed from the hurt you caused and I’ve finally got myself to where I can be around you and not think about being with you, or think about you in a romantic or sexual way. I’ve finally got it to where you’re not Brendon Urie: The Guy I Like, and you’re Brendon Urie: My Best Friend.” He looked broken, like a child abandoned by their mother in the grocer.

“I guess I can deal with it,” He said, lip trembling, “Because you’re one of my best friends and I love you. And you loved me once but you got over it, and so can I.” You nodded and took his hand in yours, giving it a squeeze before grabbing two bags of chips and giving him a small smile. “I’ll just, I’ll be here if you want me.”

You nodded and paid for the food, before turning and handing a bag to Brendon. He gave you a small, sad smile, before he led you back to the bus.


End file.
